What Do You Mean We're Actually Dating?

"Does my body not please you?" he pressed, scowling.

"What? Why would you even think that?!" He asked, appalled. "You're one of the only attractive men I've ever had the pleasure of dating!"

He slowly pulled away from Draza, raising an eyebrow.

"...I had an idea that you were as sexually active as I am, but I did not think...tesoro mio, should I get checked out? Take some pride in yourself, you are an easy nine at worst. Uffa--mamma mia! I cannot even express in English..." He groaned, shaking his head. "Realmente odio questo. I do not like the inability to express."

He hit Cesario on the shoulder.

"I do not have any sort of STD, I'll have you know!" He replied, offended. "I do have pride in myself, which is why I use protection, always! I'm not exactly sure what you mean, but of course I'm not some sort of prostitute!"

"Then why do you do men who are not attractive?!" he exclaimed. "Why on Earth...what kind of standard?! I have only ever slept with gorgeous women. Even the one other man I slept with was decent. Why would you even consider sleeping with someone less than attractive?" He pinched the bridge of his nose. "...Uffa...I do not get it..."

"What?" He asked, more confused himself. "Maybe because they had good personalities! What's wrong with liking someone less attractive than me? I like people who have substance, which normally means someone who aren't really attractive, alright? How many gay men do you see that are attractive, anyway?! They're hard to come by and are usually dicks!"

He shrugged.

"I wouldn't know, I am not gay--I found two the only times I tried, however. What does personality matter? If you are just sleeping with them is no matter, si? I do not even like women outside of bed."

He groaned.

"Cesario, I don't like to have long strings of one night stands, or fuck buddies." He replied, facepalming. "I enjoy real relationships, where I can go out and have fun with someone. It's not all about the sex, but I don't expect you to understand that. When I get into a relationship, I want it to be the real thing. I want them to be my soulmate. I want someone who I can be happy with, I don't care what they look like."

He pouted.

"What does that say about me?"

"W-well..."

What was he supposed to say? He liked Cesario. A lot, actually. But it wasn't even until earlier that he had realized they were actually dating.

"...I, well..." He flushed red. "I like you, and you're attractive, but sometimes I wish we had more in common, so we could talk about more things, is all. Is that so bad?"

He rolled his eyes.

"I suppose not. But how can I help it? You do not tell me about yourself."

"I guess you're right...We should just...Do more things, I think. Like watch movies together. What kind of movies do you like?" He asked, hoping to find common ground somewhere.

He shrugged.

"Whatever I like. Gangster films. Spy films. Sometimes others. I believe the last comedy I enjoyed was called...'Hangover'? I don't quite remember, but the characters wake up in Las Vegas. I laughed." His straight face did not reduce the ridiculousness of his statement.

He looked amused.

"Really? That's the type of humor you enjoy? You're so weird!" He laughed. "Personally, I never grow tired of Russian humor!"

"Tell me a joke," he said, smiling slightly.

"Ooh, okay, let me think..." He tapped his chin before saying, "Alright! I think I have it translated well enough. It should still be funny, even without the puns.

"An Englishman, a Frenchman, a woman and Poruchik Rzhevsky, who is a character from Russian humor of course, board a plane. Suddenly the plane starts falling and everyone finds out that there is only one parachute. While Rzhevsky starts putting the parachute on, the Englishman and the Frenchman exclaim, 'Poruchik, there is a lady here!'. Rzhevsky, looking at his watch nervously, says, 'Think we'll have enough time?'"

He looked at Cesario expectantly. Gosh, that was one of his favorite jokes EVER! Though he likes black humor, too.

Cesario stared at him for a good five minutes.

"...That is hilarious," he said finally. "I agree with that man's priorities."

"See! I told you!" He cuddled Cesario. "You have good taste, we should watch some of my favorite Russian comedies together!"

He hugged Draza close, kissing him on the head.

"Si, tesoro mio," he cooed. "That would be wonderful. Only, sex first."

He rolled his eyes.

"Fine, fine! But after we get to watch whatever I want."

"If you have the energy, my answer is si," he said, smiling softly. He kissed him on the lips very passionately just as the car slowed to a halt. He pulled away, looking disappointed.

"...Let us buy your clothing, Dragovic," he sighed, helping Draza out of the car. "What color were you thinking of, by the way? Anything in particular?"

He paused, then gestured to himself. "You seem to enjoy this suit. Shall I wear it to dinner, amico mio?"

"Well, I was thinking something earthy red or green..." He replied. "Those colors look best on me."

"I would not know," he said, shrugging. "Use your judgement."

He shrugged.

"I know, but you asked. I thought you wanted my opinion, stupid."

He shrugged.

"Use your opinion to choose things, and I will pay for them. Do not mock my blindness, injuries are not attractive to me."