I'll Be The Hero!

He sighed, shaking his head.

"It seems like my failure has already rubbed off on you..."

He frowned.

"Hey, I'm no failure--unless you want me to be. In which case, I fail all the time and we should have delicious fail-sex."

"S..." He couldn't even bring himself to say it before he burst into tears. "WHY WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO DO THAT TO SUCH A FAILURE!?!"

"Because you're my cute darling prostitute and I love you," he said honestly. "And if you have failure, I want it too. All over me. From sex. That we had. Together."

He shook his head.

"W-what's wrong with you?! Why do you even...want that sort of thing? Th-that's disgusting!"

He frowned.

"I'm...weird? Don't you like sex, too?"

He shook his head.

"No, never! I-I hate it!"

His eyes widened.

"Why? Isn't it fun?"

He shook his head.

"I-it's just so painful, and I-I hate it so much!"

"...Painful?" he asked, frowning. "But it isn't supposed to be painful. Do people hurt you when they do it?"

He nodded, tears pouring down his cheeks once again.

Hiro cupped his cheek is his hand, a serious look on his face.

"I promise I'll never hurt you, ever. Do you believe me?"

He shook his head.

"N-no! Because my failure will rub off on you and you'll become a failure and you'll hurt me!"

He quickly and gently kissed Blakely on the lips.

"Does that hurt?"

He shook his head.

"B-but d-don't do it again, please, I'm begging you..."

"...Why?" he asked, frowning deeply. "Don't you like me?"

"I-I do, b-but..." He sniffled. "I-I don't want to rub off on you!"

"...What if I covered myself in vaseline?"

"H-how is that supposed to help?!"

"It's failure-proof," he insisted.

He looked skeptical.

"N-nothing is failure proof..."

He shook his head.

"It says so on the label."

"...sh-show me." He said stubbornly.

Hiro produced a container of vaseline from his sash.

"See?" he said, pointing to the line that read, CERTIFIED FAILURE-PROOF SUBSTANCE; APPLY BEHIND EARS FOR PROTECTION.

He shook his head.

"B-but it's not possible!"