Partners in Crime

"I'm telling you, I'm fine!" Adolph insisted. "I know I almost got killed but I'll be more careful next time! I don't need a partner, dammit!"

He was smoldering, currently, and soon he would burst into flames. Addie was bad at controlling his temper, and he was getting more and more worked up.

"The hunter caught me off guard, alright?! I don't need a partner!" The person he spoke to just shook her head.

"Addie, you almost got killed. You're one of our few outside resources. We need you alive. We're pairing you up to make you safer, alright? Your partner should be here any minute."

He continued to smoke, obviously not happy.

A flashy man dressed in very Victorian-esque clothing burst through the door, smoking a cigarette.

"Where's the party, fellas?!" he boomed, swaggering up to them both. "I was told there'd be a party. Aren't parties fun, now?"

"You're...assigning...me...HIM!?" Predictably, the smolder that was Addie burst into flames. "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"

The woman sighed.

"I'm sorry, Addie." She said. "But this is how it has to be. Put yourself out."

"Serendipitous, a bonfire. This is fucking ace." He re-lit his cigarette on Addie's flames, smiling contentedly. "Thanks, gent."

Before Addie could calm down enough to smolder his fire again, their fire alarm went off, and the sprinklers put Addie out for him.

"...I hate you." He replied quietly, finally calmed down.

The man pouted, shaking his long, wet hair.

"The fuck? I was smoking. How rude." He shrugged. "Ah, well. Are you my new girlfriend they were telling me about? Or was it best friend? No matter, either way we'll live together and you'll put up with the sound of me banging many people. The name's Rowland, Royce V. Rowland." He leaned against Addie, extending his hand. "This'll be fucking ace, I swear."

"I hate you, too." He said, as he shook Royce's hand. "I don't need you to be my fucking babysitter, and if I wasn't soaking wet right now I'd burn you to a crisp."

Royce laughed.

"I don't hate you, mate! We're buds, isn't that right? Complete buds. You're my boyfriend, remember? Or was it girlfriend? No matter, it'll still be ace, man, fucking ace. Save the burning for later, though, there's people watching." He winked, playfully nudging Addie with his elbow.

Though he had the urge to break off Royce's arm, he didn't. Actually, he wasn't even sure if he could; he wasn't all that old, and he had no idea how old Royce was. It would be terribly awkward if Royce was actually stronger than him.

"Can we just leave?" He snapped irritably. "I have a lead that needs followed up on before next year, please and thank you."

"Cool, who're we killing?" he asked, shaking his hair again. He got water all over Addie in the process. "Ah, that's better~ Whose ideas were sprinklers, anyway? If the fucker's on fire, let it burn--that's what I say."

"We aren't killing anyone." He said sternly. "Ever. That is the worst way to get information out of anyone, you fucking imbecile."

He adjusted his glasses as he headed for the door. "We're going to find a man. I know where he'll be. He's a scientist. I might be able to recruit him, but beyond that, I think that he has more information than we do."

He rolled his eyes.

"Then we'll kill him, see what his guts know--simple. Then we go grab a sixpack and some chicks, and we have ourselves an orgy at my place, right? Then you and I split the lot of them and have a right feast. Good way to end a day. Oh, and a smoke, too, we can smoke together like real mates." He patted Addie on the shoulder familiarly. "You and me, we're BFFFs, now. That is the phrase, right?"

"I don't kill!" He shouted suddenly, his hair slightly singeing at the bottoms. "I don't drink and I do not have willy-nilly sex with women!"

"How incredibly boring," he sighed, caressing Addie's cheek. "Oh wow, hot and bothered already? But in any case, your new best friend will show you how to live--what's your name, again?"

Addie slapped his hands away.

"My name is Addie Barsinger." He replied, "and we are NOT best friends."

"What do I have to do? Give you a blowjob?" He laughed uproariously, as though it were the funniest thing ever. "Come on, mate--we'll bond tons at my flat."

He just sort of stared at him.

"No, 'mate', you shouldn't ever touch me, and most definitely you shouldn't offer to do disgusting things like that to someone who is supposedly your 'best friend', which I might add, WE AREN'T!"

Royce laughed again.

"It was a joke, a joke. Humps're for hos, and you and me are bros--ain't that right?" He messed up Addie's hair with his hand.

"Addie and Royce, best friends for ever--rolls of the tongue, doesn't it? Fucking ace, bloody fucking ace."

Addie readjusted his dreads, rather angrily.

"Stop being a fucking ass and just leave me be."

"I haven't started fucking anyone, mate--I think you need to relax. It's so soothing dancing through life, know what I mean?" He snickered, patting him on the back. "Now, let's go kill our bitch so you and me can have some serious one-on-one time, ya know?"

"We are NOT gonna kill anyone!" He snapped again, lightly sizzling. "So stop!"

"Then how'll we eat?" he asked, chuckling. "What will we think of when we wank? See, it's imperative."

"That's disgusting." He sneered. "Absolutely horrific. What the hell is wrong with you?"

He licked his lips, wrapping his arms around Addie's shoulders.

"You need to lighten up. I like you, Addie-kins--hey, maybe I should call you Atticus, like that guy from the movie. I bloody hated that movie, but Gregory Peck is a gem, eh?"

"He's not even black, what the hell?!" He asked, shoving him away. "Can you just not touch me, you psychopath?!"