Scars Are Nothing To Be Ashamed Off...Unless They Make You Ugly

Jess frowned suddenly. This was never how it went. This was confusing to him. He'd never been denied when he tried to thank someone before. He looked at Jake, really unsure of how to proceed. Moreover, he couldn't believe that Jake didn't trust him. To think that he was doing drugs was just kind of a blow to his confidence in Jake.

He let his hands rest on Jake's abdomen, before he finally let him go.

"Uh...'m sorry," he mumbled, refusing eye contact. "I just...nothin'. J-just kiddin'. April Fools."

It was most certainly not April.

Jake stared at him, narrowing his eyes and frowning. Finally, he pulled Jess into a gruff, awkward hug.

"Look here, kid, okay? I don't know what you're trying to do here, and I don't want any trouble. How about we just go back and eat together or something? Come on, you owe me after I patched you up, right? Show me some thanks."

He gingerly patted Jess on the shoulder, not wanting to hurt him.

Jess stared at him, but he didn't let Jake out of the closet, yet. He wasn't done quite yet.

"Uh, did I do...somethin' wrong?" he asked, before he amended it with, "uh...I was tryin' to show you some thanks. Ya know."

He fiddled with his shirt.

"...are you sure, uh, that you don't want me to?" he insisted. "I mean...when I, uh, was with my homies...this is what we did. Didn't matter if you were, uh, ya know...gay or not."

Jake frowned, still thoroughly confused.

"...What does being gay have to do with saying thanks? Where were your friends from? If you want to thank me, go ahead and do it. You don't need all the shady closet shit if that's all you're trying to do."

He chuckled, shaking his head.

"Kid, you've done nothing wrong, alright? You're just kind funny, is all. If you wanna thank me, go right on ahead."

"Oh..." he said, totally understanding it, now. "It was, uh, the closet...well, that's okay."

Yes, Jake just didn't want to do it in the closet! Duh. Men tended to prefer the closet, but that was okay, everyone was different.

"We can do it out where we sleep, then...we have blankets, uh, yeah..." he muttered to himself, nearly dragging Jake over to their sleeping area. It was behind the counter, secluded, which was probably for the better.

Once there, he grabbed Jake and pressed him against the wall. Again. He leaned over, pressing their lips together, and reaching down with his hands, to grope him.

It had been a long time since Jake Thompson had thought about sex.

As a teenager, he had tentatively wondered about it, but never done much--it was a sacred act, something for marriage. When he had married Maggie, he had thought about it all the time; every afternoon was spent going over paperwork and imagining the sight of her soft, perfect body when he got home. When Maggie came down with the cancer, he still thought about it sometimes, but those thoughts eventually left him as his mind was consumed with only worry.

Naturally, the kiss was quite a shock for someone who hadn't so much as thought about sex in years. His body reacted more quickly than he would've liked to admit; a shock went through his body and heat surged to his lips and hands and stomach and crotch, all the areas that were touching Jess.

Out of instinct, he grabbed him in returned, pulled him closer; it felt so nice to be warmed by another human being again. Then he slowly came to his senses, used his hold on Jess's hoodie to pull him away.

"Boy, what're you--Jess. What is this?" he panted, thoroughly confused. He wanted to say so many things. He wanted to ask Jess what the hell was the matter with him, he wanted to tell him he was married and straight, he wanted to tell him that he was too old and he wanted to tell him that people got lynched around these parts for stuff like this.

He said, "Think about what you're doing."

Hearing his tone of voice, Jess retreated again. He still didn't know what he was doing wrong. He stepped away from him, only to nearly trip and fall backwards. He caught himself by grabbing Jake's shirt, which didn't really help the situation.

He just stared at Jake.

"...what, uhm...uhm, uh..." He felt his stutter grow much worse, as he felt his embarrassment grow worse as well. "...uhm, uh, I just...uh..."

Jess shook his head, unable to form thoughts. It had been a long time since he'd felt so conflicted about something. This only happened a few times in his life, the first being when he killed his step father, and the second being when he first had sex. And those were the only times he'd ever been conflicted about something to this degree. Until now.

"...sorry," he said, so quietly he almost wasn't sure he had said it. Worse, he felt tears well up in his eyes. He couldn't even remember every crying, for as long as he'd been alive. It would ruin his make up, he thought, as they streaked down his cheeks.

He touched Jess's face, unsure of what else to do. He wiped at the tears with his large, rough fingers.

"Come on, now, kid, don't just..." He didn't finish his sentence; he didn't know what he had intended to say. Instead, he just pulled Jess close and awkwardly kissed him on the head.

"Come on, kid...come on, it's fine, it is," he said, stroking Jess's back. Sometimes, when Maggie grew tired of the constant painful treatments and the ever-present worry, she'd cry, and Jake would hold her just like this. He'd stroke her back and hair and mutter things--useless things, normally, but he didn't know how else to say them.

He pushed Jake away, opting to sit down and face the wall, instead. He sat on his bed, pulling a blanket over his shoulders. It had also been a long time since he'd entered this position, but it was how he coped with failures like this. He'd just sit, forcing himself to stay awake as punishment, for as long as he had to before he felt like he'd never do something so stupid ever again.

He wasn't going to do that anymore, mainly because they didn't have time.

"Jake, uh...I'm sorry I'm a terible human being," he said quietly, looking up at him. "...I dunno how to be a good person."

Sighing deeply, Jake turned away. He didn't know what else to do.

"Kid, I...Listen, it's just..." He fumbled for the proper words, running his hands through his hair. "It's not that I hate you, okay? Which is to say I don't--I don't hate you at all, okay? I actually kinda like you."

He paced, biting his thumbnail.

"It's just...I don't know how to explain it. Kid, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or nothing...I don't even know what you want." He rambled, waiting for Jess to interrupt; oh, how he wished Jess would interrupt. Maybe that'd shed some light on what was even going on.

It didn't help that as he paced, there was an uncomfortably obvious bulge where Jess had touched him. He didn't know how to explain that.

"Jake, uh, it's okay...I know I don't know how to function, uh, with real people...I only uh, know how freaks work...which is what I, uh, am, so uh, it's normally not a problem, uhm, ya know?" He smiled ever so slightly, pulling his knees up to his chest. "Uh, sorry...I shouldn't, uh, think you work the same, y'know? You're, uhm...normal. I guess, is ya know, what I mean..."

He glanced over at Jake, before he paused.

"...Jake, are, uhm, you okay...?" He asked suddenly.

"'Course I'm okay," he said quickly, turning his back to Jess. "Look, kid, you're not a freak--well, I mean, you're kind of a punk--but still. There's not much wrong with you, and you're kinda an okay guy. Just...look. Don't be sad, okay? I don't hate you or nothing."

He clenched his fists as he struggled to find the proper words.

"I just...I don't hate you, okay? And there ain't nothin' wrong with me, so stop lookin'." He glared over his shoulder at Jess.

Jess stood up and walked over to where Jake was standing, and groped his butt.

"Are you sure?" he asked, suddenly smiling again. Jake was just messing with him, he totally understand it, now. What a silly guy. "I, uh, don't think you're all right."

"B-but...I'm glad that, uh, you like me so much."

"What are you doing?" he asked flatly, flinching slightly as Jess touched him. He wasn't used to being grabbed like that.

Jess pressed Jake against the wall again, kissing him on the back of his neck.

"This is, uh, what you want, I think..." he replied, chuckling to himself. "So, uh...I found some condoms, ya know, and lube, and, so, uh, I figured we might need it, dependin' on, ya know, what you like."

He nuzzled Jake's back, leaning up to kiss his cheek, as he continued to grope his butt.

"So...you like anal?"

"What," said Jake flatly, glaring suspiciously at Jess. "Boy, are you tryin' to say something to me? I don't want no fights."

He clenched his fists, though Jess's hand on his rear had only made his problem worse.

"I have a wife, son. What makes you think the word 'anal' is in my motherfucking vocabulary?"

"...Uh, well, I mean...well...it's pretty common, right?" he asked, confused. "Isn't it...? Well, uh, I guess....I dunno. Do you?"

He pressed against Jake more, nuzzling his back.

"...you wanna do it?"

"Do what?" he asked, still confused. If this boy was trying to insinuate he was a homosexual, he was cruisin' for a bruisin'.

Admittedly the raging hard-on kind of diminished the toughness of his appearance.

"...you want,uh, a handjob? Or, uh, a blow job, or...?" he asked, confused. "I thought, that that's what you wanted, 'cause...ya know, you kind of...have a boner. In your pants. Right now. I saw it."

He giggled to himself.

"So, yeah, you wanna handjob, or somethin'?"

"...I have no idea what you're talking about," said Jake through gritted teeth, his ears red. He refused to acknowledge it; as far as he was concerned, he was totally flaccid and Jess had just misspoken.

Stupid punks and their bad English.

"Maybe you should get some water or somethin', think you're dehydrated," he hissed as a kind of warning.

"...I, uh, don't think so..." he said, confused. Jake sure was a weird guy. He wasn't really sure what he wanted, but it had to be something sexual. If he wasn't at least a little attracted to him, then Jake would never have gotten an erection, right? Though now he was just confused.

"I should...water?" he asked, still not understanding. "uh...why?"

"You're saying weird things," he mumbled gruffly, his erection still painfully obvious.

"...Jake, are being, uh, what's it...that, uh, weird Japanese thing some guys liked, uhhh...sun-dear? Uhm...yeah, that sounds right," he frowned slightly. "It's, uh, okay if, like, you just want a handjob or something, we can still be, uh, friends, ya know?"

"Who says I want something like that?!" he snapped. "I'll have you know, the only motherfucking person I've ever fucking done stuff like that with is my wife--my wife, got it?! Her, and no one else, to this motherfucking day!" he was practically spitting all over Jess now, he was yelling so loudly; he wasn't even sure why. It was probably Jess's fault; he kept on alluding to some sort of erection, one that didn't have to exist and Jake certainly wasn't about to acknowledge.

"Do you even fucking get what I'm saying?!" he screamed, taking a step closer to Jess. He was completely invading the boy's personal space, sure, but maybe he'd finally get the hint this way.

Jess just looked up at him, a completely blank expression on his face. He wasn't even sure what to think, anymore. Jake just wasn't making any sense.

"...'m sorry," he said quietly, unsure of what else to say. "...I just...thought...uh...sorry."

He smiled slightly, but it didn't reach his eyes. He just wasn't sure what he wad doing wrong, anymore.