Scars Are Nothing To Be Ashamed Off...Unless They Make You Ugly

The anger faded from his face as he realized he had done something horribly wrong. Jess's face wasn't punkish or defiant at all. He looked hurt, if anything. Unconciously, Jake reached out a hand to touch his shoulder.

"...Look, kid. let's just stop arguing and eat or something, okay? We can maybe listen to the radio, pass the time." He knew very well that the radios weren't working anymore, but he couldn't think of anything else to suggest.

"Just...just don't look at me like that, okay? What do you want from me? I'll do whatever you want."

Jess brushed him off, turning away from him.

"Then...I won't, uh...look at you, uh, anymore..." he replied quietly. He was just so bad at this. He shouldn't be allowed to live, he thought idly.

He sat down staring at the corner, as he pulled a blanket over himself.

Jake kneeled next to him, unsure of what to do next.

"...Did I do something wrong, kid? Look, come on, at least talk to me. Don't be a punk." His words sounded much harsher than he meant them.

"...Look, I promise you can ask me to do anything, okay? As long as it'll make you feel better. Sheriff's honor." He extended his hand.

Jess just curled up tighter.

"...'m sorry. I should die," he mumbled quietly, staring at his feet. "Uh, I...I...don't deserve, uh...to live. You know..."

He sighed deeply, unmoving.

"...move on, uh, without me. Let me just, uh, die, here, please...let, uh, the zombies, just...come and get me."

"Shut up about that, kid!" he said, shaking jess by the shoulders. "Come on, man, I didn't bandage you up fer nothin'--you can't quit on me! Come on, be a man!" He meant it to be uplifting, like a pep talk. Too bad he had never been good at those.

"Come on, kid, don't be a waste of supplies--get up and pull some goddamn weight, this is the fucking apocalypse."

"Sorry, I uh, made you waste bandages and stuff..." he said quietly. "I'd rather, uh, just, you know...die."

Jess looked to the side, eyeing a rather sharp looking knife on the counter. That would be more than good enough, he thought to himself. But, as he turned back to face the wall, he knew he wouldn't ever do something like that. He might have, if he were a few years younger.

"Jake, I...know you don't really care too much about me, y'know...do you even know how old I am? Or my real name? Or, uh...you know...other stuff." he asked suddenly. "Just let me die, please..."

Jake couldn't help it; he smacked Jess across the face.

"Snap out of it, kid!" he snapped. "Do you think I'd put up with just any punk?! Don't you dare fucking die on me, you punk asshole--we're getting out of this together. I didn't waste anything on you because you're going to get off your ass and help me."

He grabbed jess by the shoulders and forced him to his feet.

"There! God motherfucking dammit! Stand up and be a man, son. Do me proud, okay? I've done a whole fucking lot for you, so you should pay me back--didn't you say you were grateful? Fucking show it!"

He glared down at Jess, but then his expression softened.

"...If this is all really about that, I'm sorry I got angry, okay? You can hug me, or do whatever you were going to do, and I'll...I'll accept it, okay? Even if I'm not a faggot. Just don't expect anything in return." He crossed his arms, glancing awkwardly to the side. "Well? Go the fuck on, boy."

"...it's...okay." he said, staring down at his feet. "I...uh...never mind. I, uhm, just don't, you know...know what, uh, to do. I'm, uhm, just not good at this..."

He sighed deeply.

"...I guess we can move on, now, uh...prolly better." He moved his hands to wipe his cheeks, and he smeared his makeup even worse.

"Well, what do you want?" he asked, placing his hands on his hips. "Just spit it out, kid."

"...never mind." he insisted sheepishly. "I, uh...ha, never mind."

He laughed nervously.

"No really kid, it's fine, you can tell me? What did you want--sex?" He smiled, hoping Jess would laugh at his really obvious bad joke.

-x-

They were safe, for the time being. It was a good feeling, Jess realized. They had been traveling for a very long time, before they found an easily fortified house. In fact, most of the work had been done for them. The last people to squat there had already done a good job, though now they were dead.

The very first thing Jess did was drag Jake into the bathroom.

"Bro, look..." he pointed to the tub, which was large enough for two. Conveniently. Better, it also conveniently still had running water.

"Do you want to take a bath?" asked Jake. He tried to sound confused, but his voice was strained and his ears red; he could guess what Jess was implying.

"I'll go out in the living room and wait. It's fine--maybe I can see if I can actually cook something for dinner."

Though he felt discouraged, like he always did when Jake brushed off his obvious advances, he swallowed it down this time. He was tired of Jake pretending like they didn't have something. Jess knew they did, he knew it. He had never felt like this before in his entire life. For once, he wanted to willingly have sex with someone. He didn't do it out of obligation, or because he was 'supposed to'. He wanted to do it because he wanted to make Jake happy.

"You can't, uh...cook, if you aren't, you know, clean," he insisted, leaning over to turn on the water. He smiled, ever so slightly, when the water touched his hands. "C'mon, bro...let's get clean, it'll be nice."

He glanced away, unsure of how to handle this. The kid sounded so sincere it was painful.

"I shouldn't, though--I'm sure you want your fuckin' privacy, and..." He trailed off. He didn't even sound convincing to himself.

"Wha?" Jess asked, almost completely naked. He pulled off his pants, tossing his clothes to the side. "C'mon, Jake, bro, c'mon."

He grabbed him by his shirt, leaning closer. He thought for a moment to kiss him, before he decided against it.

Jake stared, completely mortified. His face was a bright red.

"I-I-I," he stammered, unsure of what to think. "K-kid, you could just..."

Jess frowned.

"...what? 's something wrong?" he asked, confused. "Take off your, uh, clothes. We're gonna, you know, bathe together."

He scowled, trying to maintain a shred of dignity.

"...Fuckin' fine, kid. Whatever the fuck you want," he grumbled, stripping off his shirt and pants. He took off his clothes as quickly as possible, just wanting to get this over with.

"Get in the fuckin' tub, if you're so goddamn excited about your fuckin' bath," he growled.

He nodded happily, stepping into the tub and savoring the hot water. It felt so nice that, after so long, he could just take a bath. It wasn't cool to be hygienic when you were a juggalo, but Jess was, anyway. He did his best to be clean, because he liked being clean. He just pretended he wasn't, for the most part.

He sighed deeply, staring at Jake. He didn't try to hide it; it was Jake's fault for openly shaming him. He might pretend to have dignity, if Jake pretended he did.

Jake hurriedly got into the tub, embarrassed.

"What the hell are you looking at?" he snapped irritably. "What the fuck do you even want? What's with you today, Jess? You're actin' queer." Unfortunately, Jess wasn't the only one leaning toward the queer side of things at that moment, but Jake definitely did not want to admit it.

Jess touched Jake's chest, smiling at him.

"I, uh, really like taking bathes Jake." he smiled at him. "What about you?"

"...They're fine," he admitted, reaching to push Jess's hand. His heart wasn't in it, however, and he put his hand back down, letting the Juggalo continue to touch his chest.

"I haven't taken one in a while."

"Isn't it, you know, fuckin' nice?" he leaned against Jake, stroking his chest with his hand. He made sure to press against him as much as possible.

He was going to come onto Jake as much as possible, and then completely deny him until he admitted something was going on between them. Yes, this was his plan.

He nuzzled his shoulder, kissing it lovingly.

Jake resisted the urge to violently shove him away, opting to glare at the boy instead. It felt nice, but he was a married adult. Okay, so maybe just an adult now. But that didn't make this any less wrong.

"Not really, because you're touching me," he growled. "Get out of my space, okay, kid? I don't do this to you."