Jealousy is for Chicks

Joseph awkwardly paced in the alley beside the restaurant, trying to talk himself into going home. He and Caesar had talked about this; they had only fooled around a few times, nothing exclusive, they were both free to date whoever they wanted. But the thought of Caesar being out with this girl, whispering sweet words into her ear and feeding her gelato...the thought had made Joseph so upset even his silkiest lingerie couldn't fix it.

It was when he saw Caesar, hand-in-hand with the girl--who was wearing a dress far too low cut for her to be up to any good--that he snapped and hurried into the restaurant's back door to steal a waiter uniform. He'd show this floozy, alright.

Caesar held the woman's slim hand to his mouth so he could kiss it. He pulled her chair out for her and sat down across from her at the small, romantically lit table. He blew her a kiss and flashed her his best smile. It had been a while since he'd been out with a woman, and he was looking forward to it.

The truth was, Caesar missed flattering a pretty woman. He missed the candlelit dinners, the romantic music playing in the background. He enjoyed his time with Jojo far more than he enjoyed any of his dates, but there was something he also enjoyed about getting to dress up and go to a nice restaurant. There was no way Joseph of all people would ever agree to it, and so he had turned to dating women once more.

Caesar smiled at her as he spotted a waiter coming to take their order.

"What can I get you guys?" asked Joseph, barely able to hold back his laughter. He was very proud of his disguise; with this fake mustache and glasses, there was no way Caesar would ever be able to tell it was him. "Tonight's special is squid ink pasta, which pairs nicely with red wine."

Caesar was going to kill him. That was all he could think when he saw Joseph. He was going to kill him. What the hell could he possibly be thinking?

"Oh, I see you don't have a name tag, what is your name?" Caesar asked, leaning on his hand.

"My name?" he asked, momentarily panicking. "Yes, my name! Why, it's...Luigi. It's-a me, Luigi." He smiled, stroking his mustache. "Yes, now what would you two lovely people like to order?"

"...Luigi," Caesar clicked his tongue in complete and utter disbelief. "May I ask to speak with the manager? I have a specific question I don't think you can answer...Luigi."

He shook his head. "We're very busy tonight, signore, and I'd really rather not bother him--please, ask me your question first, so I can tell you if I can answer it."

"Well, I was just wondering...that sign says the special tonight is lasagna," he pointed to the chalkboard right next to the door, which clearly displayed the special as being sausage, mushroom and ricotta lasagna. "I assumed, perhaps, he had forgotten to change it so I was going to ask him to in order to avoid confusion."

"Oh, scusa!" he exclaimed dramatically, smacking his forehead. "Of course, it's my fault! That was last night's special, my mistake. Tonight's special is of course the lasagna. Now, have you two lovely people decided what to order?"

Caesar narrowed his eyes. He had gotten away with this stupid charade for now, but Caesar would catch him soon enough.

"For me...beef stroganoff," he said simply. "And for the lovely lady, a house salad with light dressing, please."

He leaned over to kiss his date's hand. "A beautiful woman must watch her beautiful figure, no?" He smiled pointedly at Joseph as she blushed.

"That's a good recommendation--she should definitely go light on the food, with that figure," he said, scribbling down their order and struggling not to make audible gagging noises. How he despised when Caesar acted this way around girls. It wasn't jealousy, surely--Caesar actions were just indecent! No one in public needed to see that syrupy bullshit. "And would you like anything to drink? Tonight's special is water."

"The finest bottle of wine you have. I want the entire bottle. I don't normally spend so much, but..." he winked lusciously at his date. "For someone as gorgeous as you, a wine of the highest quality is necessary."

"I would need a drink as well if she were my date, signore," he said, scribbling that down as well. "I'll bring your food as soon as it's ready--do you need anything, more water, more breadsticks?"

"No, this is good for now," Caesar waved his hand. "Now, please, we'd like some privacy, Luigi."

He turned back to his date to lovingly flirt and dote on her. He didn't even like her this much, but if Joseph wanted to play this game, then he would play right back.

Joseph delivered their order to the kitchen as quickly as possible and sneaked back through the restaurant, finally hiding behind a large potted plant within earshot of their table. He glared at them through the leaves--what the fuck did Caesar see in this girl?

When she picked up her drink, he very carefully flung a hamon-infused leaf at her leg, hoping to shock her into spilling it all over herself like a moron.

Caesar reached for her hand and took her drink from her moments before she jumped. She blushed and covertly brushed off her leg. Caesar took a sip from her glass before handing it back and going on a spiel about how he had to taste her glass of wine, just to make sure it was fit for her beautiful lips to drink from.

Caesar glanced at the plant Joseph had chosen to badly hide behind, shooting it a glare.

Sensing he had been spotted, Joseph awkwardly crawled back to the kitchen. Their order was soon ready; this time he knew just what he was going to do.

"A salad for the lady who needs to go light on the food, si?" he said, setting down the salad in front of her. As he did so, he tripped on purpose, spilling the entire messy plate of beef stroganoff onto the front of her dress. "Ahhh, scusa!" he yelled in mock surprise. "I tripped over your large foot, signora!"

Caesar stood up, slamming his hands on the table. That was it. He grabbed him by the hair and forced him to look at him.

"Jojo, I am going to kill you when this date is over. You had better not be anywhere in sight when I get back to our room tonight, do you understand?" he hissed, digging his fingernails into Joseph's scalp just to drive the point home.

Joseph's face reddened. "W-what do you mean? I told you--I'm-a Luigi, not JoJo! I'm so sorry, signore!" As Caesar pulled him down closer to the table, he "accidentally" knocked the woman's glass of wine over with his elbow, spilling red all over the tablecloth and the remaining unstained parts of her outfit. That'd teach that floozy.

Caesar gritted his teeth but let go of Joseph so he could turn to his date. He helped her clean off what he could and then handed her his jacket, his favorite jacket that would probably end up stained now thanks to Jojo. He linked arms with her.

"Let us take you back to your place so we can get you cleaned up?" he kissed her on the cheek, making eye contact with Joseph the entire time.

Joseph's blood boiled.

"Excuse me, signore, can I talk to you over there for a second? I'd like to work out a way we can resolve this...incident." He grabbed Caesar's hand and yanked him away from the girl, pulling him near the potted plant.

"What the hell are you trying to do?!" he whispered angrily, removing his mustache. "How did you even see through my disguise?"

"What the hell am I trying to do?!" he snapped, grabbing Joseph by his apron. "What the hell are you trying to do?! And I'm not even going to answer your other question, unless you honestly believe I'm so stupid that I wouldn't recognize you just because you're wearing...whatever the hell you were wearing on your face."

He took off the glasses. "I thought they made me look mature, thank you! And it's not my fault--I'm trying to save you from the wiles of this, this floozy. Look at how low-cut her dress is! Look at the way she's looking at you--she's up to no good. And it doesn't help that you're leading her on with your normal disgusting romantic bullcrap."

"Leading her on?" Caesar had to laugh. "What do you think I'm planning on doing with her, exactly? Come on, Jojo, I know you're not this stupid."

Caesar shoved him out of his way. "I'm going to take her home, clean her up and finish our date. And if I so much as catch a glimpse of you while I'm doing so, I swear, I will kill you."

"Where the hell am I supposed to go?! It's my room too, you asshole!" He threw the mustache at the back of Caesar's head.