Frederich Starts To Feel Guilty

It had been sometime since Claude had begun to live with Frederich. They had done quite a few missions together, and despite the fact that Frederich did not feel many emotions, he had begun to feel one.

Guilt.

Apparently it had built up so high that even in his dulled state, he began to feel the sour tinge of guilt. Whenever he denied Claude or he put him down, something just felt wrong. He began to regret his actions, and recently, he even began to be nicer to Claude. It was sickening to him; Claude didn't deserve his respect. But even that thought made him feel bad.

"Claude." Frederich called, as he sat on their small, shared bed. "Come here."

Claude, who was only half-dressed, quickly obliged and sat down next to Frederich. Though the bed was small, he loved it; it allowed him close quarters with the person he adored above all others. Sitting next to Frederich without a shirt, he felt self-conscious; though he had a nice body, everything about him seemed to repulse the man he loved.

Unable to help himself, he slowly slipped his hand closer to Frederich's until they were a mere tantalizing inch apart. He forced himself to meet Frederich's eye, so as not to think of his temptations.

"W-what is it?" he asked, sounding more nervous and excited than he had meant to.

Without responding, Frederich grabbed Claude and forced him into a very awkward hug. There was no intimacy about it at all. It was, however, rather obvious that he was doing his best to create some semblance of it. Next, he kissed Claude on the lips, in an even more awkward way.

He hoped it wasn't too bad. It sure made him feel less guilty about shunning Claude so often. Though, at the same time, it made him feel more guilty. Frederich didn't like that feeling. It was so incredibly strong for an emotion and it made him sick.

Claude's hands shook with nervousness, and he kissed back; such behavior from Frederich seemed unreal, stranger than a dream. Despite the hesitation in his movements, there was now an unmistakable bulge in the crotch of his pants.

Oh, how he loved Frederich. He loved his voice and his pretty hair and face, he loved his soft skin and his gleaming eye. He loved the kindness he could remember Frederich having, even if it was dormant now. His love for Frederich was a love of wanting, but a pure love nonetheless.

Slowly, he hugged Frederich back, pressing his bare chest against his body.

Almost robotically, Frederich moved his hand to Claude's inner thighs. He paused in his kissing to he could look at what he was doing, briefly. It didn't even feel strange to be doing this; it felt as casual as everything else he did.

"Am I doing it right." He asked calmly.

Claude breathed very quickly, his face pink.

"Th-that depends on what you're doing," he said nervously, barely restraining himself from yanking Frederich's hands away. As much as he craved this kind of contact, it felt strange now; he had an urge to run as far away as he could. Instead, he awkwardly, placing his hands on Frederich's wrists, silently willing him to stop.

"If this is an early Christmas present, I'm flattered," he joked, but he sounded more scared than clever.

"Good." He replied, shooing away Claude's hands so he could undo his pants. "If I'm doing it wrong, just tell me."

Overcome by an inexplicable panic, he shoved Frederich's hands away.

"P-please, don't--I, uh...you can't look there," he attempted to explain. "It's very embarrassing, and I'm really sorry I got like this around you--I know how much you dislike it, I really do."

Frederich looked confused. What the hell had he done wrong now?! Isn't this what Claude wanted, anyway?

He just gave him a look.

"I thought you wanted this." He said simply. "Why did you stop me."

His face turned redder.

"Well, yeah, but...I thought you didn't. Don't get me wrong, I want this really badly, but...I'm the only one who feels like that, right?" He cleared his throat awkwardly, messing with his still-damp hair. "...What I really want to ask is, do you love me?"

"No." He said without even blinking. "I don't. But you don't seem to care any other time, what makes now different."

He really didn't understand people and their complex emotions.

Trying to hide his hurt, he stared at his hands.

"Frederich...do you even want my body? Why are you doing this, if you don't love me?"

"No, I don't want your body." He said simply. "I'm doing it for you." Now that was just an outright lie. Luckily, you couldn't tell with him.

Claude smiled weakly, trying to act like nothing was wrong.

"It's really okay, then. I can't accept this kind of gift from you, Frederich." He could barely believe the words coming out of his mouth; he may never have a chance like this again. Still, he couldn't bring himself to say yes.

Frederich just stared at him.

"...Okay." He stood up and headed for the door. "If you insist."

"W-wait," he said, barely holding back tears. "Could we maybe do something else? Something I've actually done before?"

He turned around.

"...like what." He asked cautiously.

"Just a hug," he reassured him. "That's all I want--we're friends, right? Friends can give each other hugs."

Frederich shrugged.

"Fine, a hug." He moved back towards Claude and gave him an awkward hug. "...like this."

Claude held him close, smiling for real, this time.

"I really do love you, Frederich--you were my first love. If you ever want to have sex with me for you...I'll do it. We can do anything you want, okay?" He nuzzled Frederich's chest, taking in his scent.

"...okay." He said, certain that would never happen. "...we should decorate for Christmas so that Faith doesn't get angry."

"Yeah," he said eagerly. Then he blushed again. "I, uh...have to take care of something first, though. I don't think you want to watch, so you can start without me."

Frederich pretended he didn't know explicitly what Claude was about to do as he stood up and walked out of the room, making sure to close the door behind him.

Claude came downstairs a little while later, still blushing slightly. He had finally put on a shirt, a band tee for Evanescence. He smiled at Frederich.

"Heya! I'm, uh, done--do you still need help decorating?"

Frederich stopped what he was doing, which was taking ribbons out of a box, to look at him.

"Do you even listen to that band." He asked Claude.