One and Two Walk Into a Bar

She grinned suddenly.

"I'd consider fucking you if you took a look at a television and believed me--common sense is a big turn-on, you know."

"Okay, I believe you." He lied simply.

"I don't believe you," she chuckled. "You'd try to kill me if you thought I was the real Number One, right?"

"Of course." He said truthfully. "Which is why you can't be. Otherwise, I'd have to kill you, and that'd suck because I love you."

"It really wouldn't--I'd kill you before you got close enough to touch me. I don't even like you." She glanced at her nails. "So, to make a long story short--go fuck someone else, because I'm not interested."

"But I don't want someone else!" He whined childishly. "I want YOU!"

"Too bad--you'll never be Number One."

He pouted.

"I want both. This isn't fair! You're a jerk!" He started sobbing into his ridiculous sleeves.

"You can't have your cake and eat it too, fuckwad!" she barked irritably.

"Why the fuck not?! IT'S MY CAKE!" He shrieked, getting to his feet. "And you know what?! I BAKED THAT FOOD WITH MY LOVE. AND YOU REJECTED IT. I HATE YOU."

Sobbing, he trudged off in the wrong direction.

Number One snorted, watching the stars once more. About time he left.

In approximately five minutes he came back, suddenly in a good mood again.

"Well, I definitely needed that~" He purred, sitting down next to her again.

"...Needed what?" she snapped, miffed at having her alone time interrupted again.

"Alone time." He said, waggling his eyebrows at her. Or rather, eyebrow since only one was visible.

She immediately threw a rock at him, backing away.

"You're fucking disgusting, you know that?!"

"What?! I have needs! It isn't my fault you won't fucking put out already!" He shouted back.

"Already?!" she exclaimed incredulously, hurling another rock. "I'm never going to have sex with you! You'd better get used to your fucking hand, because if you were the last thing on Earth with a penis I'd still rather masturbate!"

"I can help you with that!" He said, barely managing to dodge that rock. "I can use my hand! They're all nice and soft because I like manicures! And that's not gay, okay?!"

She threw another rock; this one was smaller, as she was running out of ammunition.

"No--I don't want you to come anywhere near me! I'd rather fuck anyone else--anyone at all!"

"I'll take off my crown and let my hair out of their spikes! I'll look like a different person, is that close enough?!"

One glared at him.

"I don't want sex with anyone. But if I had to choose, it'd be anyone but you."

"No, really, look!" He removed his crown and eyepatch, and he ran his hands through his hair so that it relaxed. When it wasn't spiked, it was shoulder length and gorgeous. In fact, he was gorgeous when his hair was down and you could see both his eyes.

She looked away, unimpressed by his efforts.

"I refuse to fuck anything with less IQ points than this dirt."

"I can solve a Rubik's cube in like two minutes!" He said suddenly.

"Fine. More common sense than the average lemming."