One and Two Walk Into a Bar

He just grinned wider.

"No it isn't; you're sexily unlacing my thigh-high boots. It's a pretty logical assumption, I think."

She punched him in the gut before continuing.

"Say something else I don't like and I'll hurt you worse."

He let out a whimper.

"You punch fucking hard for being so obviously turned on by my good looks and charm." He remarked.

"Maybe that's because I'm not attracted to you," she snapped, still unlacing the first boot; good God this was taking forever. Growing tired of it, she glanced at her sword.

"Of course you are, dumbass. Everyone is." He said, rolling his eyes as if SHE were the stupid one.

She punched him in the crotch without another word.

He whimpered again.

"Please, my dick is my only friend! You can't hurt him." He whined.

"Then shut up and take off your fucking shoes," she said, finally letting go of the laces. "What kind of fucking retard wears something like this, anyway?"

"The kind who likes a lot of foreplay." He purred.

She glared at him, twitching.

"...Nevermind, I'll just cut them off."

"NO!" He shrieked in horror. "YOU CAN'T CUT THEM OFF!"

"Then unlace them!" she barked. She stood up, surveying the rest of the bar.

"All of you worthless shits--put your money on the floor and slide it toward me. Either you give it to me while you're still alive or I steal it when you're dead."

One by one, the people in the bar slowly slid wallets and purses toward Number One. She grinned, shoving her findings into a large bag.

"Hurry up and get those boots off, fuckwad--I mean it."

Bifrost did as he was told, unlacing and taking off both his boots in a matter of seconds. He was used to it, after all.

"Happy now, kitten?" He asked, grinning.

She shook out the boots; no valuables fell out of them. What a fucking waste of time.

Groaning, she tossed the boots at his head.

"Whatever--I'm fucking done with this." Heading to the cash register and dumping its contents into the bag, she grinned. "Thanks for your cooperation, everyone."

The she pulled out her gun and shot most of the patrons. She missed vital points on a mere two--the rest died.

"Go and tell your friends you were robbed by Number One," she cooed. "And as for you--" She poked the still unharmed Bifrost in the chest. "--you're going to kill yourself sooner or later. Shooting you would be a waste of bullets."

Putting away her gun, she cackled and headed for the exist.

"Have a nice day, you cunts."

Bifrost giggled like a schoolgirl, lacing up his boots again.

"What a beautiful woman. I'm going to marry her~" He decided dreamily, retrieving his babies knives and rushing out the door, chasing after her.

One nonchalantly took a detour into an alley before spinning around and pulling out her weapons; she had heard the footsteps behind her.

To her chagrin, it was the fucktard from a few minutes ago.

"...Do I have to shoot you for real?" she sighed. "I'll do it, you know."

He smiled happily at her.

"You know you want me, baby."

She fired a shot that grazed his cheek, raising an eyebrow threateningly.

"Next time, I won't miss."

He smiled wider, completely unfazed.

"Oh, come on. Just once." He thrusted, to illustrate his point.

She aimed her gun toward his crotch.

"If that's what you want, buddy..."

"Wait, no, that's not what I meant!" He squealed, hiding behind a trash bin.

"Then what the fuck do you want? The only thing I have to offer you is death."

"Marriage." He said happily, blushing. "We could get married and live happily ever after!"

She fired a shot at the bi he was hiding behind.

"Marriage? Why the fuck would I want something useless like that?! My life is my own, and I don't want any pathetic motherfucker like you trying to control me. I'm fine on my own." She scoffed, turning around. "Besides, haven't you heard? The world is growing synthetic--love is a thing of the past."

"But I love you!" He exclaimed. "I might be a synthetic, but who cares? I've been reborn so many times I forgot who I was! So I think I can love, right? C'mon, I can still fuck, if nothing else."